Why I Know Things Will Never Be The Same Again

Change is coming, and it’s not just the colour of my hair. Four or five weeks ago we could never have imagined the transformation that our lives would undergo and for the first 3 weeks, I spent most of it bouncing between panic attacks, day drinking and constantly repeating, “What the actual fuck?” But, as time’s gone on, I’ve found myself leaning into this new pace.

It’s crazy how quickly the new normal settles into our psyches. Now, I’m in my 5th week of isolation and it’s getting harder and harder to imagine actually leaving the house every day. I’m starting to worry that, when they finally relax lockdown, I actually won’t want to leave. I’m becoming institutionalised by isolation. Don’t misunderstand me - the current situation is far from perfect. The lack of money coming in, the kids, their education, my work…all of these things are constantly terrifying but, emotionally, I’m starting to feel stronger, less strained and more able to manage my worries without losing my shit. I’m wondering why it is that I’m starting to accept this way of life so readily?

Before I get into that though, I can’t continue without recognising my own privilege here. I’m so fucking lucky. I have a house, a garden, hopefully enough money to survive for 2-3 months. There are two of us and neither of us are abusive. My kids don’t have special needs. We’re not sick, or vulnerable, or elderly. Much of what I say in this blog will apply to a lot of people, but please don't believe I think this is everyone’s experience by any means. For many, this is an horrendous experience and I’d be a prize prick if I didn’t recognise that. But if you, like us, are doing ok when all is said and done, then maybe this will make some sense.

I think the biggest change and the one that has made the most difference in my outlook is the lifting of the emotional load. Pre-lockdown, life was a million miles a minute. I was constantly managing everyone’s schedules, running two businesses, trying to find time to socialise, see my family and maybe squeeze in a shag here and there. It was birthday party invitations and thank you letters, school forms to sign, world book day costumes to pull out of my arse. Money was coming in but it was also flying out. It was just so damn fast and I was always tired. Not just ‘I have had enough sleep tired’, but emotionally and mentally on-my-ass tired. I never had a chance to really stop and look around and enjoy the fuck-tonne of gifts my life was giving me daily. I knew they were there, I just couldn’t enjoy them.

Now though, all that’s gone. There are no schedules, the blog is still running but my consultancy business is largely on pause while we figure out the best way to weather the storm to ensure we come out the other side. There are no birthday parties or social events (there’s not heaps of shagging either but that’s another story!) I’m not missing World bloody Book Day and while money will always be a worry - especially as we’re both self-employed - we’re fortunate that it means we don’t have to juggle working from home and parenting. It’s also been wonderful - truly wonderful - to look at all our outgoings and realise how many of them are actually unnecessary. Cancelling direct debits has been cathartic as hell and it’s got me thinking: how much of the busy-ness and extravagance of our old life was actually necessary?

This is where the change must happen. While Covid-19 and the lockdown we all find ourselves under is never anything we would wish for, it has provided us with an almost exquisite and unique chance to reassess. Never, without it, would we have been given this time with our families, on our own, stripped of all the baggage that normal life brings with it. It’s given me a chance to understand what I really want to do, what I want to be, what I want to prioritise. I can see why my anxiety was so high. All those times I said, “But I can’t stop, just like that. I’ve got responsibilities,” are reverberating in my ears because at the time that was true, but the universe has given me a chance to press pause and while there are very few silver linings to the Covid-19 crisis, this for me, has been one of them.

My mental health has, remarkably, improved. Riddled with anxiety due to PTSD following post-natal depression after the birth of my first, I never wanted to be alone with my kids. I did it and survived but it was coloured by anxiety and discomfort of the highest order. It fuelled overwhelming feelings of guilt and failure and when lockdown first came in, the thought of being trapped with my kids 24/7 was, sadly, enough to launch regular panic attacks. Weirdly though, this has forced me to face this. It’s forced my to talk about it with my husband in a way I never have done before and I feel that I can move on knowing that those voices that were constantly in my head, we big fat liars.

I won’t ever forgive myself if I go back to the way things were. If I take the time with my kids and my husband for granted, call me out. If I whinge about being too busy and stressed and overtired, call me out. If I spunk a tonne of cash on fast fashion and unnecessary coffees, call me out. So much of my previous existence was unnecessary. So much was obnoxious. So much was just bullshit. So, I’m making changes that will reduce my work load, increase my time at home, make space in my brain, allow me to be more creative and breathe because more than anything I’ve never been more grateful for the space to breathe.