More Orgasms Please: Why I’m Getting Serious About Pleasure
Last night I attended the launch of The Hotbed Collective’s new book: More Orgasms please. Borne out of a frustration at the dismissive nature of society to female pleasure and the deep seated embarrassment and shame that so many women feel when it comes to sex and sexual pleasure (thanks Patriarchy!), the Hotbed Collective have made it their mission to put female pleasure on the front page and their new book is the next very exciting step in their plan.
The event got me thinking though. I started to think about my own relationship with sex and sexual pleasure and brace yourself, because there’s some honesty coming right up. I realised that, despite my confidence in so many areas of my life, when it came to sex I realised I didn’t feel very worthy. I spent my whole sexual life faking orgasms on and off. Much like Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally, I could fake them well. Unlike Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally, it was never because the sex was lousy and I just wanted it done and dusted.
My reluctance to fight for my own orgasm came from a simple belief that, in bed, I wasn’t worth it. That it would be too much trouble. I, like 75% of women, have never orgasmed from penetration alone. That’s really normal. Although no body tells you that because all we see of people having sex (unless you’re a weirdo on a register or a swinger) is the Hollywood version where orgasms are beautifully synchronised things that happen with almost no effort at all, or porn and we all know how that ends. For men, it’s easy. Penetration is their thing and we’ve always been told that their orgasm signals the end of sex. That’s the point at which we flop exhausted, in a hot sweaty mess on the bed and he turns over and lights a cigarette. Or vapes - it’s all very modern these days. Their orgasm has always appeared to signal the end of sex. So, if you’re a woman and you need a little more love, lube and attention than a simple wham, bam, thank you mam, then you can find yourself lacking in the confidence to demand your pleasure.
Over the years, the more I let it happen the less confident I became when it came to demanding my orgasm. I faked it because I didn’t want to seem difficult, or demand too much. I was a sexual people pleasure and I was also really embarrassed because I thought my inability to come through intercourse meant that somehow I didn’t quite work. Now though, a few rodeos and several therapy sessions down, I’ve found my balls. So to speak. I’ve realised that I am worth an orgasm even if he has to work a little to make it happen. I’ve found the confidence to bring some toys into the bedroom and let me tell you, that has been a game changer. Now that I’m having more orgasms, I want more orgasms. My libido is back and I’m starting to wonder if it wasn’t the 5 years of sleepless nights and nappies that destroyed it but actually my own lack of confidence and self worth when it came to ‘mucky cuddles’.
The point is, female pleasure is yet another thing that women feel they can’t or shouldn’t talk about. We’ve been told we have to have sex a certain way, orgasm a certain way, look a certain way during sex. We’ve been told that when the man is done, we’re all done. We’ve been told that it’s ok not to come every time and, to a certain extent it is, as long as that’s your choice rather than your lack of confidence. We’ve been told so much bullshit when it comes to the female orgasm and it needs to stop now. Any partner worth your vagina will and should be more than willing to make sure you get your fair share of the orgasm cake and if their not, well, find another mucky cuddler.
Until then, the pleasure is all mine.