It seems that today, every time I've spoken to my toddler a lie has popped out. I've told an unprecedented amount of fibs. I've told so many, I keep checking the mirror to examine the length of my nose. My toddler has been (mis)guided through today by a parent who will literally say ANYTHING to avoid a tantrum. So, just to make you all feel a little bit better about yourselves, here are the lies I've told.

There are no Rice Krispies left.

There were some Rice Krispies left but only enough for one person and I wanted them. I'm pregnant and the boss so I win.

If you don't brush your teeth, they'll fall out and you won't be able to eat any chocolate.

This is a multi-layered lie. They won't fall out. At least not today. And you aren't getting any chocolate anyway.

I'd love to give you a treat darling, but Daddy ate them all.

Daddy's not here for three weeks so it's only fair that he takes some of the shit. Also, I'd forgotten to buy those damn Goodie bars.


Eurgh! Don't eat that (third) biscuit. It's got a bit of poo on it.

Worked a charm.

We've just got to pop to Sainsbury's to get Mama's medicine.

By medicine, I meant fizzy strawberry laces.

Small: I don't want lunch.

Me: It's unicorn burgers.

Small: Delicious.

Whatever. It. Takes.

Monsters only eat little girls that don't nap.

I don't even feel guilty about this one. I know I should but I don't. Sue me.

It's too cold to play in the garden.

It wasn't really but all she wanted to do was throw water about and I couldn't deal with the mud and mess.

CBeebies is broken darling. The only thing working is toys and books.

I honestly would have gouged my eyes out with a spoon if I had to listen to the theme tune from Peter Rabbit one more time.

I wish you could wipe my bum darling but it's against the law.

No one, and I mean NO ONE, can hold this one against me.